Our perfect woman is the one who cries when she comes, but doesn’t get all serious. However we know that this is an ideal and we will happily settle for less. As long as we get some or all of the following things:A Good Pursuit It’s true Everybody knows it. The keenest pleasure is in the chase, or the dalliance, or the dance – whichever you prefer. Can you, Bert, or Hugo, or Merlin, by dint of your wiles, by deployment of your charms, by a whiff of your pheromones, or by sheer bloody persistence, get that lovely woman over there to do it with you? It’s all so terribly, tantalisingly uncertain, a primordial hangover from those thousands of years spent running, naked on the veldt To the victor the race.
On with the hair-gel and off to the office party.Where what will set him on most is…Indifference. Just as women seem to go for snakes and rakes, men adore cruel, cold women. Women with very red lipstick, whose snarls reveal perfect incisors and who indulge in designer-lesbianism, just to tease. Sassy, clever, contemptuous gals with PVC masks, stiletto heels and.. anyway you catch my drift.
If there is any one piece of advice to women on snaring men – as delivered by generations of wise mothers – it is treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. If, on the other hand, you’re not into snaring anyone but are just after some good lovemaking too, don’t worry too much Just be careful that he doesn’t fall in…Lurve Yes, that too. That period of adoration when he nearly ruptures himself in bed by holding in both his stomach and his flatulence. When he counts off the days, hours and minutes till he sees The Woman again When perception and senses are curiously heightened When he doesn’t eat for a week. When the real prize he is craving turns out to be…Acceptance At last someone loves him for who he really is. Not the sanitised, deodorised, windless Potemkin of a man who dresses carefully and speaks cautiously But the true man, with all his accretions and secretions. As they both embrace in post-coital contentment, she lays her hand gently on his wilting member and whispers that – potbelly, zits and all – he’s her guy Whatever his name is And she will understand that he needs…Relief.
Every minute of every day men’s bodies are manufacturing sperm. Inside the avuncular priest, the bank manager and that bloke on the bus there is an industrial-scale operation going on. So there is a truth in the physiological determinism that men have used for so long to justify their mis- behaviour. To them it all feels like a bath with both taps running – if the plug isn’t pulled then eventually the floor will get wet So men must have orgasms if they are to be happy and docile. And the question is: who will pull the plug? Which is why one of the qualities many look for in their sex lives is…Friendship.