Rugby, for instance.) Demotic, masculine, successful – and that’s only the girls – the idea of football sweeps all before it. But Primrose Hill Worried has a huge burden, worn as lightly as possible in public He’s wildly over-educated, and painfully overinformed. In that great rostrum camera assemblage in his head he’s got Victorian pictures of the Crusaders with that flag, and he knows (History 2:1 from Magdalene) that the Crusaders weren’t 100 per cent nice He knows what they did. And he’s always (schoolboy member of Rock against Racism 1979) been on the lookout for incipient Fascism in any dark corner. Until 1996, over-use of the Union flag was considered “offensive” and potentially BNP-ish in some quarters. Then with the flag devolution provided by the European Championship that England hosted that year, people started waving the English flag But by 2006, that flag’s got baggage, too PH Worried is just that bit fretful about it.

He’s not going to say so because that would sound mimsy, but he’s not about to put a giant flag in his window either (actually if he did, his friends – football-loving and over-educated like him – might think it was sort of chavtastic/ironic). Across the road from my house are three white vans – glaziers, marble and granite, plumbing; the two-gentlemen-sharing next door are having the lot done – and each has an English flag on it. One’s Essex, it says so (Rainham), so what’s the betting the others are, too Or the Essexy part of Hertfordshire. And their kit – shaven heads? Singlets? Tracky bottoms? Trainers? And the mindset? Think of those taxi conversations that start with Tony Blair’s shortcomings, range through David Cameron’s imitating mock-Blairiness and end up with the driver saying you don’t know who to vote for… So let’s update that cockney taxi conversation (yesterday lunch, actually).

I remark that the driver’s got the Inger-land flag hanging from the mirror He says he’s looking forward to the Cup I say isn’t the flag a bit anti-Scots/Welsh, etc and he’s clearly bemused – it’s the England team after all. Then, fishing, I say something about white vans and Essex and he says, “What’s wrong with that?” So I have to say, “Some people think it’s a bit, well, you know…” “You know what?” he says “Well BNP.” “That wouldn’t do for me would it?” he says At this point think Lenny Henry sounding like Danny Baker 9. WILL MY MARRIAGE SURVIVE THE NEXT FOUR WEEKS? By Lucy Cavendish As I sit here in my kitchen, surrounded by my three male children and their father, I am wondering what the answer to this question is For something has happened in this household World Cup Fever has taken over Fridge doors are littered with stickers of the England team Flags are Sellotaped to bedposts A chart of the matches is stuck on the bathroom wall There are newspaper guides littered round the sitting room. My partner spends his time obsessively talking to no one in particular about whether or not he should put a bet on Ivory Coast to reach the semi-finals There is seemingly nothing I can do about it. Plans are being made, the television has been booked out, our social life has nose-dived.